Babysitter "Help Wanted" Ad Is Absolute Insanity

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mattstaff
Jan 28, 2020 4:00 PM EST

Shoutout to the folks at The Chive for discovering the goldmine of ridiculous human behavior that runs rife throughout this "help wanted" ad for a babysitter. Twitter user @honeystaysuper, unearthed just the kind of "help wanted" ad that leaves the rest of the world speechless. I don't even know where to start with this one. The attention to detail is honestly admirable. Nothing seems to be overlooked in terms of what constitutes a suitable babysitter. 

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  • 01
    Text - Kimberly Harrington @honeystaysuper Look I know what day it is and where l'm posting this but I still challenge you to find ANYTHING more bananas bat shit than THIS. I DARE YOU
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 02
    Text - Seeking Household Manager/Cook/Nanny Household Manager/Cook/Nanny needed for CEO family in Menlo Park, CA with girl-boy twin 10-year old's. Looking for a long-term (at least five years) member of the household to act with leadership, strategy, drive, attention to detail, high energy, and kindness. Live-in or out. Car provided. Overall duties including running the household in collaboration with the parents and with the assistance of a housekeeper, an au pair who works 45 hours a week, a p
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 03
    Text - Schedule when not travelling is five days a week approximately 11:30 am to 8:00 pm. Sunday- Thursday (preferred) or Monday-Friday (second choice). Mom is a CEO and needs to relax on weekends. Weekends are busy with sports and playdates. Live-in option is the full kitchen, one- bedroom pool house. Requirements: Intelligent, well educated, good at research and planning. High executive functioning. Very well organized. Multi-tasker able to make progress and complete multiple projects. Univer
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 04
    Text - Assist 10-year old's with light homework in long division, subtraction and writing. Play math games with them such as "how much fish should we buy today for five of us?" and "How long will it take us to drive to the snow if it's 150 miles and we go 50 miles an hour?" Strategically think through vacation options based on the developmental levels of the kids and the need for the mom to relax. Conduct research into domestic and global vacation options based on criteria, populate information
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 05
    Text - Compare and make recommendations regarding using credit card points to booking vacations versus paying cash Can email and text vendors, friends' parents, etc. in a professional manner Using Word, can review and modify household handbook, kids' chore sheet, etc. Plan and facilitate weekly household meeting with au pair and kids Track and administer allowance, clothing budgets, household expenses, etc. Monitor and track purchases and make returns on time
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 06
    Text - 2. Manager and leader. Lead, supervise and support members of the household staff who have varying degrees of education, experience and maturity Control, organize, motivate and plan their roles and tasks. Train as necessary. Utilize Microsoft To Do/Wunderlist to track activities. Help members of the staff with less education to download apps and use them Conduct weekly household meetings with au pair, monthly meetings with others Manage the overall calendar in Google for all activities in
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 07
    Text - 3. Great, consistent cook. Family eats organic and is allergic to cow and goat dairy, chicken eggs, green beans and watermelon. Can eat duck eggs. Must be able to produce simple, delicious meals with consistency and accuracy meeting our allergy requirements Conduct research into vegan recipes and make modifications to regular recipes. Able to learn about using alternatives to milk and butter. Can read articles about eating beef and increases in breast cancer and can understand this inform
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 08
    Text - Text - Follow directions in recipes and use good judgment for substitutions. For example, use vegan cream cheese in blended soups, or potatoes to thicken broth Research and review recipes in books and online and create simple menus Collaborate with the mom and the kids on meals and dishes that they like Administer calcium and other supplements to the kids Always focus on healthy eating and relaxed, happy, family-style meals Able to plan and prepare appropriate snacks and mini meals around
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 09
    Text - Physically active, strong, athletic, high energy, 4. understands the basics of team sports Strong swimmer and lifeguard. Can supervise kids in the pool and understands basic dangers and rescues. Can swim in the ocean and bodysurf. Likes river swimming Can throw balls and play simple basketball, volleyball, soccer and football with 10-year old's (learn if not already familiar). Can do calisthenics with kids (sit ups, lunges, squats, pushups) and generally play and rough house with kids Can
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 10
    Text - Blue - Kimberly Harrington @honeystaysuper There's more:
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 11
    Text - Can do short mountain hikes Willing to work out together in the home gym with the mom and throw a water polo ball in the pool (preferred) Can ski at least at an intermediate level (preferred) and can take kids on ski vacations and manage everything (preferred) CPR-certified 5. Excellent driver Clean driving record Can drive the kids around town and on the freeway with a high degree of safety Experienced driving in snow (preferred) Experienced mountain driving (preferred) Prefer experience
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 12
    Text - Text - High emotional intelligence, skilled at coaching kids Can influence the children positively in many areas including self-soothing, self-discipline, organization, conflict resolution, perseverance Can build alliances with other kids' parents and nannies and arrange play dates and joint travel with other families Is fun for the kids to be around. Is someone the kids can trust and can respect. Has room in their heart to love the kids and the mom; has a high capacity to be loved deeply
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 13
    Text - Text - Has room in their heart to love the kids and the mom; has a high capacity to be loved deeply by them Has appropriate boundaries in relationships and interactions and will teach the children the same including appropriate privacy and safety. Understands the risks of leaving children alone with coaches, for example Flexible schedule, high energy 7. Can travel domestically and internationally with the family Able to maintain high energy, high organization, and great attitude while tra
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 14
    Text - Text - Kimberly Harrington @honeystaysuper Look I know this is GOLD but let's just be clear that male CEOS have been farming out all the duties re: their families SIINCE THE DAWN OF TIME. I want more female CEOS! Millions of them! All I'm saying is...
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 15
    Text - Text - Kimberly Harrington @honeystaysuper .. I both fear and respect her SPECIFICITY and ATTENTION TO DETAIL and ACTION MOVIE-LIKE LIFESTYLE and I would very much like to draft a counter listing asking her to be one of my readers
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 16
    Text - Kimberly Harrington @honeystaysuper Please female CEO / mom of this listing, DM me I want to hang out and learn all about you please. The "has room in their heart to love the kids AND THE MOM" is honesty . Can we go to the beach together and can I use your spa bathroom sometime pls
    via @honeystaysuper
  • 17
    Text - Kimberly Harrington @honeystaysuper And although IV MUCH APPRECIATE the spirit of "this is just what moms do" hello. Hel-lo. I live in VT and bitch I don't know how to ski. I barely know the one language. I don't know 4 sports and l'm not learning. Absolutely refuse to build alliances w/other parents. V low energy
    via @honeystaysuper

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